Humour

Why did the melon jump into the lake? Because it wanted to be a watermelon.

Grandma: Back in our days, you could buy bread, milk, soaps, spices, eggs, meat, all for a dollar.

Little Kid: You can't do that now. They have CCTVs everywhere!

You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!

Why won't it hurt if you hit your friend with a 2-litre of soda? Because it's a soft drink.

What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.

Dad can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Why do you smear peanut butter on the road? To go with the traffic jam.

Where did Napolean keep his armies? In his sleevies.

How do you think the barber won the race? He took a shortcut.

Why don't they play poker in the  jungle? There are too many cheetahs.

What is a fake spaghetti called? An im-pasta.

Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.

What do you call a sleeping dinosaur? Dino snore.

How do you prepare holy water? By boiling the hell out of it.

What starts and ends with "E" and has a letter in it? Envelope.

This thing runs around the yard but doesn't move. What is it? The fence.

What did one wall say to the other? Meet you at the corner.

What did the frog order at the cafe? French flies.

Which key opens a banana? Mon-key.

What gets more wet the more it dries? A towel!

Which tea is hard to swallow? Reality.

What is the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven.

The ball kept getting bigger and bigger. I was wondering why, and then it hit me.

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.

I used to be addicted to soap? I'm clean now.

What's the best part about living in Switzerland? I'm not sure but the flag is a big plus.

Why did the dog cross the road? To get to the barking lot!

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

A nurse told me, "Sorry for the wait!" I replied, "It's alright, I'm patient."

Working in a mirror factory is something I could totally see myself doing.

I'm terrified of elevators, so I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them. 

Why are pirates called pirates? Because they arrrr!

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "Get out of here!" shouts the bartender. "We don't serve your type."

A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a whiskey and... cola."

"Why the big pause?" asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. "I'm not sure; I was born with them."

What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.

Why did the cat run away from the tree? It was afraid of the bark!

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.

What does a house wear? Address!